I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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