just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
