So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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