I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
