Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
