i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
