This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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