i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
