OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
