I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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