I got chris browned last night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
