I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
