She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh god it's open bar.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
