I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
