So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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