why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
