So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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