yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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