My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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