i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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