Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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