i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
