He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
