hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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