Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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