my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
