Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
