call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She told me I should be a condom model.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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