when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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