nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
