Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
