Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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