Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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