I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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