I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize