im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
