**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
