Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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