please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
