Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
