I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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