I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love you.
Bad choice
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
