What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
