While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
