hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
we're so committed to being not committed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
