She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
