His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
