apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
