I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
