i was born a porn star she said
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
high people should be assigned attendants
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
