If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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