so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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