Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
