And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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