I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
