Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
