Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
